Ectopic....Two Years Later

If you've read any of my blog, you'll know that I've had an ectopic pregnancy. It's no secret and I don't try to hide it. However, I've only ever discussed it on a personal level with a few close people. Yet out of those few people, I've never discussed how I TRULY feel about it. I've never poured out every thought and feeling, any fears and hopes, etc. For one, nobody understands. For two, I don't think anybody really cares. Of course people say they do and you'll always hear a "How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?", but I've learned that most people expect to hear a "fine" or "ok", so that they can go about their day and know that they at least asked. Since I know this, I tell them what they want to hear. I'm always fine or ok as far as they're concerned. That way I can avoid the mistake of actually starting to tell somebody how I really feel, and then watching their eyes basically glaze over. It saves me that moment of realizing they didn't REALLY want to know anything, and then having to awkwardly try to get out of the conversation. 

So I figured if I'm ever going to pour out all of the jumbled up thoughts and emotions that constantly flow through my mind regarding this topic, what better place than this blog? So here goes...

When I had my ectopic, I had no idea what was happening. The biggest symptom of an ectopic is severe stomach cramping. Unfortunately for me, I have IBS already, so I didn't notice anything different. Also, I was on my "period" for over 9 weeks which I just assumed was due to the fertility medication I had been on. Come to find out it was blood clots from my ruptured tube. Not only did I have an ectopic, but yes it ruptured. The absolute worst case scenario. It was bad enough that I couldn't stand all the way up, couldn't take a full breath, and when I walked, I looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. In hindsight, you'd think I would have noticed something, but when you don't even know you're pregnant, the last thing you think of is that you might have an ectopic. I also remember having the ultrasound and the technician telling me that my ENTIRE right side was completely filled with fluid and blood clots. Also, the Dr. told me that it was the worst ectopic that he'd ever seen and that my fallopian tube was actually LARGER than my uterus. Most ectopics rupture no later than 8 weeks, so they think I was 9 weeks or farther. The Dr. also said that if I would have waited possibly even a day later, I could have died. 

ECTOPIC PREGNANCY:

RUPTURED ECTOPIC PREGNANCY:

Now that the background of it is out of the way, I'm going to get into the emotional aspect of it. February 26, 2015 marked two years since my ectopic. Leading up to this, I thought I would be ok. That was until I hit BABY OVERLOAD. In the 2 weeks leading up to it, two people in my husband's family had a baby, 1 family member announced she was pregnant, and 2 of my coworkers announced that 3 of their kids were pregnant. Now out of all of those baby births/baby announcements, 2 of them just completely piss me off. There's no other way to describe it. Both are on welfare already, one already struggles with the kid she has already, and the other one...let's just say the poor baby doesn't stand a chance. So needless to say, by the time my 2yr anniversary rolled around, I had already hit baby overload....and then some.

EMOTION 1: Heartbroken. Losing a child, in any way, is obviously going to trigger this emotion. I'm heartbroken for what I had, what I lost, and what I can't have now because of it.

EMOTION 2: Anger. I'm angry. Period. Angry that my body doesn't work the way it should. Angry that I had to go through what I went through. Angry that females that have no business having kids get to have as many as they want and don't even appreciate the gift they've been given.

EMOTION 3: Occasional Acceptance. Most days, I've learned to be ok with not having kids. I've learned to accept the path God's given me and to be ok with it. Usually it works until I see someone pregnant. Then the vicious cycle starts all over again. 

Now putting these emotions aside, there's something else that I need to admit. The truth is, some days I forget all about it. Then when I remember it, I feel like I should feel guilty about forgetting it. The truth is, sometimes the fact that this happened to me doesn't even bother me. I don't feel upset about it, and I brush it off like it wasn't that big of a deal. Then I feel like I SHOULD feel more than I do. When this happens, I start feeling like a horrible person. Then I get mad that I'm supposed to feel a certain way. Then other days I'm genuinely so distraught over it that I can barely function. 

It doesn't help that my husband thinks he's helping by never talking about it. He said he doesnt' want to upset me so he never mentions it. While I appreciate the thought, it actually makes it harder for me because all these jumbled emotions are constantly swarming inside me with no place to put them because nobody knows what it was like for me. Not even my husband. 

So there you have it. Even two years later, I'm still angry, pissed, sad, confused, heartbroken, and then some days I'm perfectly fine. I don't know where on earth to go from here. And my head, heart, and memory aren't helping any....