Interstitial Cystitis

For the next few months, Brandon and I have decided to take a break from "medically" trying to conceive. By this I mean that we're not going to do any more medications or doctor visits for a while. Financially we just need to take a step back and regroup.

With that being said, I'm going to take the time to blog about a condition other than infertility that I've been dealing with. 

Since I was about 16 years old, I've had a condition called Interstitial Cystitis, although I didn't always know that's what it was. I've only been medically diagnosed with it for a little under 2 years but that's because it's very hard to diagnose according to my Dr. 

First I'll give you the medical definition for IC, and then I'll give you what it REALLY feels like.

Interstitial cystitis (in-tur-STISH-ul sis-TIE-tis) — also called painful bladder syndrome — is a chronic condition in which you experience bladder pressure, bladder pain and sometimes pelvic pain, ranging from mild discomfort to severe pain.

Interstitial cystitis signs and symptoms include:

• Pain in your pelvis or between the vagina and anus in women or between the scrotum and anus in men (perineum).
• Chronic pelvic pain.
• A persistent, urgent need to urinate.
• Frequent urination, often of small amounts, throughout the day and night. People with severe interstitial cystitis may urinate as often as 60 times a day.
• Pain or discomfort while the bladder fills and relief after urinating.
• Pain during sexual intercourse.

Now let me tell you what it REALLY feels like.....

Imagine if you will that you have to use the bathroom. No big deal, most people are in and out in a couple minutes, tops. But not you. No, you have interstitial cystitis which makes bathroom trips a little more interesting for you. 

(Warning: Graphic Content)

When a person pees, it comes out of the urethra. The urethra is basically a tube that allows the urine to travel from the bladder to the outside of your body. Now for a normal person, the urine flows steady, strong, and quick. Wait...did you forget already that you have IC?? These rules don't apply to you.

When YOU pee, imagine that tube is lined with needles. Also, the urine you're passing is really shards of glass. That is not an exaggeration. You literally feel like you are trying to push out chunks of glass and needles. Now if that's not bad enough, don't forget that you can't pee steady and strong like a normal person. Your urine will come in quick little spurts of sharp pain. (Imagine turning on a faucet of water and placing your thumb against it to block the water. Now let it flow. Keep doing that repeatedly as fast as you can.)

Now that you've finished peeing, let's say you're at work and you go back and sit at your desk (first wash your hands, that's gross!). As soon as you sit down, your hoo-ha starts burning like it is literally ON FIRE! Remember the needles and glass you peed out earlier? Those are now replaced with flames of fire that will not stop. The pain is so uncomfortable that you can't sit still. The only thing you can do is go BACK to the bathroom to pee again. Only this time, you can only pee 2 or 3 little spurts and that's it. You go back to your desk, and the burning persists. Now repeat those steps over and over for roughly 30min to 1 hour. Every. Single. Time. Welcome to the wonderful world of Interstitial Cystitis.

I've been doing all of this since I was 16 years old. I've seen multiple Dr's and had multiple opinions on what they thought was wrong with me. Of course they're quick to suggest a urinary tract infection (similar symptoms), but I knew better. Eventually I just learned to deal with the pain (I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford the Dr. visits). The beginning of last year, I got a referral from my gynecologist to go see a urogynecologist named Dr. Marc Ashby. Upon my first meeting with him, he said he was pretty sure I had IC. To be certain however, I would need to have a procedure done called a "cystoscopy with hydrodistention" Long story short, I was placed under anesthesia, and then my bladder was filled with as much fluid as it could possibly hold. It was left that way for a few minutes, and then was drained. 

When a regular bladder fills with urine, the person urinates, and the bladder goes back to normal. With my bladder, after I pee, my bladder shrinks back to normal except it's left with lots and lots of little "raw spots" that when more urine touches it, it burns like crazy. (remember the fire feeling??) Dr's have no idea why this happens, nor do they really know how to treat it. For example, I was given 4 options. 

1. Go on a strict diet which eliminates all sorts of foods and drinks and see if that will maintain the pain.

2. Go on anti-depressant medications. Apparently they calm the body which will calm the bladder. The dr. said they would hope to give me a low enough dose to avoid the weight gain and "loopiness".

3. Go on narcotic nerve medications which will numb my body, hopefully numbing my bladder.

4. I could come in every week for 6 weeks straight and have a catheter inserted and have my bladder coated with medication.

Needless to say, I took option 1. Unfortunately, there's really no way of figuring out which foods trigger the IC. So the only option is to deal with the pain. At least I know I haven't been crazy these last 8+yrs and that I have an honest to goodness condition and it's not in my head. I just wish it was something easier to fix!!!!!

So although my PCOS is the condition I talk about the most due to it's aiding in my infertility, now you know that I have a different condition that is more physically painful than any of my others and is just an all around pain in the butt. Or should I say Hoo-Ha???? LOL!!!! At least I can still keep my sense of humor!

PCOS....my evil little friend

So today is day 3 of my cycle. I went to my appointment for my baseline ultrasound. This ultrasound is just to make sure nothing is wrong with my ovaries (cysts, abnormalities, etc). I didn't think anything of it. I just looked at it as "here's another appointment to take $208 from me"

My biggest worry this morning was how tired I was since I had to leave my house at 630am. I got to my appt at 730, and was called back shortly after.

Once the ultrasound wand was in place, she immediately said "Well the right ovary looks nice and calm, but I think I saw a cyst on the left ovary" I'm thinking "greeeeaaaatttt...... pcos chose a great time to rear it's ugly head"

So she double checks it, and sure enough, there's a very large cyst on my left ovary. The cyst is there because last month during ovulation, the follicle released the egg like normal, only this time it never closed back up, which caused it to fill with fluid. Not only that, but the cyst is very large because of the Clomid making my follicles larger than normal, apparently. How's that for some sick irony.

So then the nurse informs me that not only can I not do Clomid this month, but that I'll also have to start birth control. Seriously?? Kick me while i'm down how 'bout it.

She said the BC is supposed to help shrink the cyst. On day 21, I have an appt to go BACK for another ultrasound to see if the cyst is gone. If it is, I wait for my period to start, and then will start Clomid from there. If it's NOT gone, I have to continue with BC.

The only good thing about this is that I was able to schedule my ultrasound on a Saturday. (They never mentioned that Saturdays were an option before). This way my husband can go with me. I called him in the parking lot and explained what was going on. For the first time, he had the reaction I wanted him to. He was pissed. Pissed, confused, sad, upset, etc. FINALLY!!! My husband usually is very "whatever" about all of this and is never interested in what treatments and stuff i'm doing. So to hear him having the same emotions that I am made me feel like I wasn't so "alone". I asked him if he would PLEASE go to my next ultrasound with me because honestly, I'm tired of going to these things alone. He said of course he would, he'd actually prefer it if he went and to see if from now on I could do my appts on Saturdays (he can't take off during the week, hence why I have to go by myself).

Another interesting thing happened as well. My Dr. put in my chart that he wanted Brandon to do a semen analysis. He said that he doesn't want to keep treating me, only to find out later that Brandon had an issue as well. I've kept putting it off because Brandon was very clear that he didn't want to do it. Plus he already has 2 kids, so I'm pretty sure he's not the issue. Well today he volunteered to do it. I think he sees how "at the end of my rope" i'm getting with all of this. I love that he's willing to "rule himself out", even if it's awkward for him.

After we got off the phone, I started heading for work. As soon as I pulled out of the parking lot, I spilled my coffee all down the front of my clothes. White shirt, by the way. So now I don't know whether to cry or punch something. I chose to cry of course. I probably looked ridiculous to people because here's this crazy girl crying her eyes out, coffee all over her shirt, trying to blow her nose, (i'm an ugly crier) all while trying to merge onto the highway. I was a hot mess. I did the only thing I knew to do. I blared my christian music as loud as it would go, and I just cried. The entire 45 minute journey. I made it to work 90 min later due to having to go home and change plus turning in my prescription.

Today is not my day.....that's all there is to say about it. 

Waste of Time and Money

As already stated in my previous post, this Clomid cycle didn't work. Well my nurse said I still needed to take a pregnancy test. My thought was.....what's the point? Tests aren't cheap (not if you want a good result anyway), and I can use that money towards better things. She still said I needed to take one. So I went to Walmart last night and stood in front of the endless shelves of pregnancy products. 

Did I want to check for ovulation? How about checking for it in a 3 month supply? Did I want "fertile-friendly" lubricant? How about the larger supply? Did I want spermicide? How about condoms? Did I want "his and hers" lubrication? Ooooh how about the kind that warms to the touch? Oh I know. I bet I wanted the new contraceptive "film".


NO! DANG IT! I just want a PREGNANCY TEST!!!!! A simple pregnancy test. 

Oh a pregnancy test? Why didn't you say so?? What kind would you like? They range from .88 all the way to an entire paycheck. We have large ones, small ones, that one glows in the dark, this one needs a blood offering, that one over there tells you how far it "thinks" you are, this one here will send you $10 in the mail but ONLY if you buy 2 other similar products. Oooooh this one here is a 2 pack, but for $8 more, you can get a pack of 3! DEAL!!!

Look. I want something simple, preferably 2 tests, that won't cost me my mortgage payment. A reputable accurate brand, and something that won't waste my time since I already know what the result will be. This is what was left standing:

With $10 less in my wallet, I took my purchase home. This morning I woke up and took the test. Just a little handy tip: I'm incapable of placing the stick "in my urine stream for 5 seconds, making sure to not get the rest of the stick wet". It's impossible. So if you're anything like me, here's what I do. I took the little lid/cap off of my laundry detergent bottle when it was empty. I washed it out really well, and now I use it to pee in anytime I need to take an ovulation/pregnancy test. It's so much more convenient, and way less of a mess, trust me!  Beats peeing all over your hand!!

Anyways, while the stick of infertility decided my fate, I finished getting ready for the morning. I checked on it a few minutes later and whaddya know?? A big fat negative:

Now there's something I didn't see coming! Ok enough of the sarcastic bitterness. Happy faces people, happy faces! Shake it off, we knew it was coming. Now just waiting for my period to start so I can decide if I'll do round 2 of Clomid. Stay tuned!

What'd I tell you??

So I started spotting this morning. Even though I knew Clomid wasn't going to work, I still wasn't expecting it. Not sure how I'm feeling at the moment. Upset is definitely at the top, followed by angry, tired, worn out, stressed, and if I'm being honest, an all around sense of just plain Over It.

I haven't decided if I'll do another round of Clomid next month yet. I know I'll have to decide in the next couple of days but I'm still torn. We're trying to save for a trip to Tennessee which makes saving for both really hard. At first, I had already made the decision to postpone future rounds of Clomid until the 1st part of the year.

However, my nurse called me yesterday and said the results of my progesterone test was in. In order to "prove ovulation" the progesterone level needs to be at least 10. If the woman is on medication, it should be at 15. Mine tested at 17.8!!! Which means I had a great ovulation. After hearing that, I started second guessing my decision to quit.

My sister Meagan had a really smart answer. Find out if the 17.8 was a result of Clomid. If it was, I should keep going another month since its helping to give my body a high ovulation level. If Clomid is NOT the reason for the 17.8, that means my body is working well on its own and I probably don't need to spend all that money on another round of Clomid. At least not for a few months. I think that's great advice.

So I'll probably call on the 1st day of my period and see what they say. Then I'll just make the decision quickly before I can change my mind.

I'm not angry at God or anything that this Clomid didn't work. But He and I are going to have a loooong talk when I'm finished here.

A Clomid Experience

Well, you know how the old saying goes. If at first you don't succeed.....you must have tried Clomid. That's not how it goes, you say? Well it does in my world. Let's backtrack a bit, shall we?


After getting the news from my Dr. that Brandon and I didn't need any help with TTC, I still decided to go on Clomid after all. The reason being is that first of all, with my remaining tube being swollen, I feel like I only have one good shot at a pregnancy. Second of all, I'm just flat out getting impatient. It's been almost 2 1/2 years, what do you expect??

So I started my period on July 25th which was a Friday. I called my Dr. and made an appt for Monday the 28th for my first ultrasound. Upon entering the dark exam room, the first thing I noticed was the ultrasound machine. My first thought was "wow, this might be the closest I get to one of these!" (yes, my brain can be very mean to me sometimes).

The nurse came in almost immediately after I was undressed, and proceeded with the ultrasound. The point of this was to make sure my ovaries were healthy and that I didn't have any cysts or anything. Not quite sure what this is showing, but the nurse was pleased with what she saw.

After seeing this, she gave me the go ahead to start Clomid that night. I was told that I HAD to take the pill at the same time every single day. So I'm thinking cool, i'll take it at 9pm every night, right before bed. My reasoning for this was that if I was "lucky" enough to be one of the women that experience side effects, I could sleep through them. Well guess who accidentally fell asleep early and forgot to take the first pill? THIS GIRL! Yes, possibly the most important thing ever, and I dropped the ball.

Needless to say the next morning, I was calling my Dr.'s office FREAKING. OUT. Thankfully, it worked out for the best because my Clomid Calendar was written out as if Thursday was the first day of my period. Since it technically didn't start until Friday, I was able to buy myself a day. Whoooo!!! So I took the pill that morning and every morning for the next 4 days. Believe it or not, I didn't have any symptoms! I was really shocked, but relieved.

Now my next step was to go in for another ultrasound on Tuesday August 5th, to make sure my follicles had grown large enough to prepare for ovulation. I was told that this ultrasound would be done by my Dr. instead of the nurse. So of course you get undressed from the waist down, and sit on the uncomfortable paper with a sheet over your lap. Aaaaaannnddd.....nobody came. I sat there for 28 minutes before the Dr. came in. I know this because the ultrasound machine had a clock on it. Do you know what it's like to sit half naked in a FREEZING, DARK, exam room with nothing but your thoughts for 28 minutes?? Not fun. Anyways, the Dr. finally came in and we got started. The goal was to get one follicle to at least 20mm. Seems simple enough, right? Haha, not with me. My right side was all under 10mm. Which was fine with me to be honest because I don't have a tube on the right side so if I ovulated, it would have been that much harder.

So then he checked my left side. The highest I had were 2 follicles at 17mm. Dang it. Nothing comes easy for me. So he told me to take an ovulation test Wednesday and Thursday morning. If I ovulated, I was to go ahead and take my Ovidrel shot. If not, I was to take the shot on Thursday night. Well of course, I didn't ovulate, so Thursday night I prepared for the shot. 

I was a nervous wreck. Just as I was getting ready to stick myself in the stomach, I thought to myself "Hey! maybe I should numb myself first!" So I went and got an ice cube, and rubbed it on the spot for about 5-10min. Then without thinking about it too much, I jabbed in the needle. I didn't feel a THING! Brandon couldn't believe I had already done it, because I didn't yell or anything. It was super easy. About 10 min later, however, I looked down, and saw this:

Yuck! Not sure if it was a reaction from the ice contact, or from the injection itself, but thankfully it was gone by the time I woke up the next morning!

So the next step obviously was TIC, or timed intercourse. Nothing says romance quite like that, buddy! Something about being told you HAVE to at a certain time, regardless of work schedules, prior obligations, etc makes for a very interesting 2 days. I saw this on pinterest and it made me laugh SO HARD:

So once those 2 days were completed, began the dreaded 2 week wait. Right now i'm on day 8. Yesterday (Friday) I had to go get yet another round of bloodwork to test my progesterone. The nurse said it's to see how "good of an ovulation" I had this month. 

My period is due to start on Thursday the 21st, which means I can start spotting anytime in the next few days. If my period DOESN'T start by then, I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test on Friday the 22nd.

With all of that being said, I'm over 100% positive that this Clomid cycle didn't work. You could say i'm just being hard on myself, or trying not to get my hopes up, but i'm just being realistic. Deep down, I know it didn't work. You know how you just know certain things, but you can't explain how or why you know them? This is one of those situations. I just know it didn't. Plus I'm getting symptoms from my Intersticial Cystitis, which I always get right before and after my period. But hey, it's just $650 down the drain. What's the big deal. (Sarcasm intended). 

Most women stress over the 2 week wait, and stock up on pregnancy tests, and splurge on fun activities to keep their minds off of it. Wanna know what I've bought so far?? A box of tampons, and a package of pads. How's that for confident? But we'll see. I haven't decided what my next steps will be, but at least I know what to expect for my next round of Clomid if and when I decide to do it again.

Lab Results, Clomid, and God's Blessings

As mentioned in my previous post, I recently was told that I probably had a thyroid disorder that I would need to start taking medication for. Also, I had to go get my 2nd round of bloodwork done to test my progesterone since I ovulated on my own. Well I hadn't heard anything about any of the results, so I left a message at my doctor's office this morning hoping to get some answers.
Tonight on my way home from work, one of the nurses from the doctor's office called with my results. She said that believe it or not, my thyroid is FINE! Somehow the levels evened themselves out on their own and I no longer need to worry about taking any medications for it! God is good!
Then she said that my progesterone levels ALSO came back good!!! So because of this, I went from getting ready to start medications for thyroid, insulin, AND ovulation, to now not needing ANY OF THEM! That's right, Dr. Bidwell said I can basically just try on my own without help. Can you believe that? God is SO GOOD!!!
Now even though I was super excited to hear this, I still asked the nurse if I could CHOOSE to go on Clomid. She said that of course I can do anything I want, and asked me why I would want to. I explained to her that Brandon and I have been trying now for over 2 1/2 years, and out of that time, I've only managed to get pregnant once (the ectopic), so I don't really trust that that wasn't a fluke. I explained to her that I had already discussed with Dr. Bidwell that I wanted to be very aggressive with this because I feel like I only have 1 good shot at this since I have a damaged tube and a high risk for another ectopic pregnancy. She said she understood, and that I could go ahead and start Clomid. 
So now we wait for my next period. Day one, I will call the doctor's office to report it and make an appt. On day 3-5 I will go in for an ultrasound to check for cysts and things and to make sure I can start Clomid as planned. If all goes well with that, I will start taking Clomid for 5 days in a row. A few days after that, I will start going in for blood work and more ultrasounds to track the progress. Once my ultrasound confirms that my follicles have grown large enough, Dr Bidwell will schedule me for a trigger injection.
The trigger injection, aptly named, is actually called human chorionic gonadotropin (hcg). "Trigger" comes from the fact that this injection will "trigger" ovulation within the next 24-36 hours. 
A certain website I'm reading says that after the injection, it's time for "Clomid Sexy Time". Well......that just made me extremely uncomfortable! But we all know what that means, no need to linger. LOL
Afterwards, I will get more blood work done to test my progesterone levels to confirm if clomid worked and I indeed ovulated. If I didn't, I start it all over again next month with possibly a different treatment plan. Still Clomid, but maybe different days and times. 
Before any of this can be decided, I will begin the dreaded "two week wait". Which means I get to sit on pins and needles for 2 weeks and wait either for a positive pregnancy test, or my dreaded period. The pregnancy will be confirmed by more blood work, the period confirmed by...well...you know. But hey, I guess if I have to give blood either way, I'd rather it be in a plastic tube!! (Just a little infertility humor!)
So as you can see, I have my work cut out for me. And judging by my calendar, it can start anytime in the next week or so!!! The fact that this is all by CHOICE, makes it a lot more bearable and even a little exciting! Wish me luck!!!

Ovulation Miracle

Since I have PCOS and a very high insulin resistance number, (mine is 28, supposed to be less than 10) my doctor and I were fairly confident that I wasn't ovulating properly on my own. So when my doctor told me I had to take a daily ovulation test to see how bad my pcos is, honestly I thought it was a waste of time.
I started testing on day 10 of my cycle, which was last Monday. Of course, big fat negative. Tuesday the same, and Wednesday the same. Then Thursday came and this happened:

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! I started jumping up and down in my bathroom and immediately called Brandon in! Of course, being a guy, he didn't fully understand the extremity of it, but he knew it was a good thing. 
I was worried that maybe it was a false positive, or a fluke of some sort. Which was why I was even more excited when I tested positive on Friday night as well!
So I'm taking this as a sign that my body is functioning somewhat because if my insulin levels are any indication, I should NOT have ovulated regularly. Which I take it as a blessing from God. I hope this means good things for the future. Now next Thursday I can complete my last round of bloodwork. Once the results come in, my doctor will decide what ovulation medication to put me in. I'll automatically be put back on metformin, but I'm also going to be pushing for Clomid. I want the best results possible. 
So I'm super impatient for Thursday to roll around so I can get my bloodwork done. Until then, I'm just super excited to learn that I can ovulate on my own without medication. Yay for me!!

My Body In Numbers

So at my last fertility appt, my dr. told me that our next step was to see "how deep of a ditch" i'm in with my PCOS. I had to wait for my cycle to start, and then on day 3 go get blood work done. Then I would need to take daily ovulation tests until I tested positive. Once that happened (highly unlikely), I'd wait another 7 days and then go get more blood work done. So of course once day 3 started, I immediately went and got my blood drawn. Then I went to Walmart and bought a 20 pack of Clearblue Digital ovulation test. It was almost $40!!! Yuck!


Fast forward to Tuesday night, I get a call from my Dr.s office and the nurse said my blood work results were in. The blood work was to test for my LH levels, FSH levels, Thyroid, Cholesterol, and Insulin.
Here were my "lovely" results:

Good Cholesterol:  Should be at a 60. Mine is 58.
Bad Cholesterol:  Should be less than 200. Mine is 253
Triglycerides:  Should be less than 150. Mine is 195.
Thyroid:  Should be less than 2.5. Mine is 3.3.
LH levels:  Should be less than 10. Mine is 7.7
FSH levels:  I forget what it should be, but mine is 8.8 which apparently isn't good.
Insulin:  Should be less than 10. Mine is 28.


Now to break this down a little further, we'll start with my thyroid. The nurse instructed me that due to my numbers for this, I would need to go get more blood work done to confirm this. Once it comes back positive (which it will, story of my life), I will immediately go on medication and stay on it through the duration of trying to get pregnant AND my entire pregnancy, if not longer. The good news with this is that the nurse said this medication can potentially ASSIST in getting pregnant. Yay for silver linings.

With my cholesterol, clearly it's high. Problem is, they can't give me any medication for it because it will interfere with trying to get pregnant. So now I have to figure out how to lower it on my own. Yay...

As far as my insulin goes, here's where it gets fun. (Sarcasm obviously) Ok so it's no secret that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. With this, comes an insulin resistance which means my body produces too much insulin (similar to diabetics I guess) and it interferes with ovulation. The nurse said that normally, if a woman's LH levels DOUBLE that of her FSH levels, it's confirmed that she has PCOS. Well, obviously my numbers don't represent that, which has her confused. BUT, clearly since my insulin is at a whopping 28 instead of less than 10, that's all the confirmation they need.

I shouldn't be surprised with all of this. Ever since our TTC journey started over 2 years ago, things have never been simple. You'd think I'd get used to running into a wall with every step, but it still gets hard to hear each time. I feel like everytime I go to fix one problem, I walk away finding I have 2 more things to fix as well. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. Half the time I'm ready to just throw in the towel, and the other half I just pray that my miracle is around the corner. For now.....we wait......

Diagnostic Laproscopy and Hysteroscopy

When I had my ectopic pregnancy surgery last year, the Dr. that performed the surgery had put in my operative report that he removed my right fallopian tube, and that my left tube was "dilated and torturous" and not a normal tube. Brandon and I took 8 months off from TTC, and this past January I went to see a fertility specialist by the name of Dr. Mark Bidwell. 

Based on my operative report, Dr. Bidwell said that my left tube was more than likely damaged beyond use. He said that IVF would most likely be our only option to get pregnant. He said I had good chances of IVF success because of how young I am, I've had an ectopic pregnancy which showed I can get pregnant, and also Brandon already has children, so that shows that he doesn't have any issues.He said based on all of that information, my chances of getting pregnant on the first try were about 80+%. However, if I kept my left tube, and it wasn't fully closed off, my success rate would go down to 40% because of the risk that the left tube could absorb the fertilized egg and it would result into another ectopic pregnancy. Seeing that my insurance doesn't cover IVF treatments, Brandon and I didn't want to place a $13,000+ bet on just a 40% chance of success.

So I decided to be proactive and have my left tube removed. I was praying that the tube wouldn't be damaged, but Dr. Bidwell said that based on the operative report, he was 95% sure he would need to remove my left tube. So obviously, Brandon and I were very emotional about this surgery. I knew once I had this procedure, I would officially be done trying to get pregnant. At least in the sense of getting pregnant naturally. 

Last Thursday, May 29th, I had the surgery. Brandon and I got to Kettering Medical Center at 1030am. When we checked in, they handed brandon a 6 digit code number that showed up on a big screen tv on one of the walls. That number represented me, and would show Brandon where I was in all stages of the surgery. He would know when I was in pre-op, surgery, recovery, etc. 

Once I was in my room with my gown on, the nurse came in to put in my IV. Brandon immediately stepped in and told her she had one shot at it so she better pick a good vein. Reason being....

*FLASHBACK* My last surgery, the nurse tried to put in an IV on my forearm by my elbow. When she put it in, she didn't secure it and the needle popped back out. Not exaggerating when I say blood flew all over the bed. Looked like a murder scene. She ended up putting it on the side of my wrist which is the WORST PAIN EVER! You could see the needle right under my skin and it felt like it would pop out of my skin.

So anyways, the nurse said no problem and pulled out a little hand held machine that looks like a barcode scanner. She waved it over my arms and it showed us every vein. Brandon thought this was the coolest thing ever and afterwards I looked up and the nurse is standing over him waving it all over his arms and neck showing him all of his veins LOL. 

Two hours later, Dr. Bidwell came in to discuss the surgery and to make sure I hadn't changed my mind about anything. Here's what decision we made. If he found that the tube was 100% blocked and would NOT interfere with IVF in the future, he would leave the tube in place. (Reason being is that blood flow to the ovary's is important in IVF, and that comes from the fallopian tubes. So by leaving it in, it would benefit my chances).

If the tube was partially blocked, he would try to fix it. I knew that there was a chance that it wouldn't work, and I was fine with that. If he was able to repair the tube, I ran the risk of having another ectopic pregnancy, but I told him I'd cross that bridge if we came to it. 

If the tube was partially blocked and NOT repairable, I instructed him to go ahead and remove the tube. I wanted the best percent chance for IVF as possible. 

So with that being understood, they wheeled me in for surgery. I spent about an hour in recovery before I was able to see Brandon. When they moved me from the bed to the chair, my knees almost gave out. I became so nauseous, I thought I was going to die. They gave me graham crackers and apple juice, which made it so much worse. When the nurse left the room, I made Brandon hand me the trashcan and I made myself throw up. INSTANTLY BETTER!!!

When I felt better, Brandon asked if I wanted the news on how the surgery went. With shaking hands, I told him to lay it on me. Brandon said Dr. Bidwell got in there and said he was "extremely happy" with what he found. He said my tube is FINE! He said it's slightly swollen, but is otherwise fine. When he put the dye in my uterus, it flew right out of my tube! NO BLOCKAGE!!! Plus the hysteroscopy showed that my uterus is fine as well! He told us that IVF is no longer our 1st option and that any money we saved already for IVF, we can go ahead and use on a crib! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! It gives me chills just thinking about it!!!

I asked him that since he said my tube is slightly swollen, would I run a high chance of having another ectopic. He said most women only have a couple percent chance of having an ectopic, and with my tube, I only go up to about a 5% chance. So we went from there being a 95% chance he'd remove my fallopian tube, to a 95% chance of having a normal pregnancy!

So next Wednesday, I go to see Dr. Bidwell for my post-op appointment and he said that we'll discuss new treatment options for getting pregnant!! I'm so excited! I will update when I get more information! GOD IS GOOD!

My Ectopic Pregnancy

This entry is to tell the story of my past ectopic pregnancy experience last year. 
This story begins on a Saturday. I was in the middle of cooking dinner for my husband. I was so proud of it because everything was homemade and I had put a lot of time and prep work into it. All of a sudden I start getting really sharp pains in my right side. It hurt too much to stand so I thought I would go and try to use the restroom. I never imagined that I would spend the next 7 hours back and forth between the bathroom and couch. I thought I was just severely constipated or had really bad gas pains because of the type of pain I was having. I want to say that my husband was super supportive and helped me but he didn't. He thought I was over exaggerating and was just a complete jerk the whole time, plain and simple. 

I ended up driving myself to the store and bought a jug of apple juice and stool softeners hoping to fix my problem. On the way back home, the pain hurt so bad, that I was screaming and crying at the same time. I even used an enema for the first time. Bless the people who invented that thing. I know it sounds super gross, but by the time your pain level gets from "Man, this really hurts." to "Give me the freaking enema!!" You don't care how gross it is, or how dumb it sounds. You only care about if it will work. Now I forgot to mention that this entire time was also filled with lots and lots of throwing up. And I don't mean I leaned over the toilet and threw up and felt better. I'm talking about hanging over the bathtub and throwing up at least 8 different times. By the time I was finished, I was throwing up something that was black and tasted like acid.

Fast forward to Sunday, I was feeling somewhat better, but not completely. My husband drives semi trucks for a living and he was making a trip to Brookville, Ohio and wanted me to go with him so he could keep an eye on me. I figured it was a 2hr round trip, so I would be fine. Wrong. Not even 30 min into the trip, my stomach started acting up again. We had to find a truck stop where I spent the next 45 min with really bad diarrhea. We finished the trip and headed home. I spent the rest of the night curled up with a water bottle.

Monday, I wasn't feeling too terrible, but I was exhausted from everything so I called off of work. By this point I thought I might be getting some type of flu bug, and I didn't want to pass it around. But overall, it went by pretty uneventful.

Now Tuesday is where things really start happening. I wake up and get ready for work like usual. I make it through the morning meeting, and go to my desk. Out of nowhere, the pain in my right side comes back, and with a vengeance. I realize that I'm literally sitting at my desk, rocking back and forth, and crying my eyes out and just praying nobody would walk by my office and see me. I finally went in to my boss's office and asked if I could go to Urgent Care. The only reason I was going is because you can't take off 2 days in a row without a Dr.'s excuse, and there was no way I could wait to see my regular Dr. So 20min and $75 later, I'm sitting in the waiting room literally bawling my eyes out. By this point, I can't stand straight, walk straight, and I can't take a deep breath. All I can do is hunch over with my fist jammed in my side trying to stem some of the pain.

The Dr. finally calls me back and I explain my problem. She thinks it might be kidney stones and asks me to give a urine sample. A few minutes later she comes back in and says "Well your urine came back fine with no problems. But the pregnancy test is positive" I can remember her exact words and I remember sitting there afterwards and feeling absolutely nothing but shock. I didn't even have time to get excited because her next words were " You need to go get bloodwork and an ultrasound done asap because it is more than likely ectopic".

Ectopic pregnancy is where the baby develops and grows inside a woman's fallopian tube instead of her uterus. There is no hope for the baby, and if it goes too long, can be very life threatening for the mother. Oh how true those words are.

Even though I was supposed to go get bloodwork done, I left Urgent Care and went home. I was in so much pain that the thought of sitting in another waiting room was unbearable. I went home, curled up with a hot water bottle, and called my BFF Sarah in Ft. Wayne. After talking with her, I decided to use the restroom before I went for bloodwork. I remember standing in front of the bathroom mirror, and leaning over the sink, and just praying. I didn't beg God to let me keep my baby, I only prayed that if I was MEANT to keep the baby, would he please take care of us and make it possible. Looking back, I think subconsciously I knew what the outcome was going to be. But nevertheless, I prayed.

After my bloodwork, I went to get my ultrasound. Beforehand, the nurse at Urgent Care told me to drink 2 full water bottles, and not to pee until my appt because the ultrasound required a completely full bladder. The word MISERABLE doesn't even BEGIN to cover it. I was in excrutiating pain from my side, and now an overly full bladder. I couldn't sit still, and was just rolling back and forth in my chair while crying. I looked ridiculous but at the time, I could care less. Once I got called back, the nurse tells me they changed the type of ultrasound they'd be doing, and I didn't need a full bladder after all. I FLEW to the bathroom! During the ultrasound, it was extremely uncomfortable because of the amount of pain I was in. Afterwards, a radiologist comes in and tells me that not only is it an ectopic pregnancy, but that it has ruptured and my entire right side is filled with fluid and blood clots and I need to go straight to the E.R. The nurse walks me to the door and asks if I have anybody to go with me and I told her that no, my husband is a truck driver and he won't be home until Friday. She starts crying for me. Actually crying. Which makes me start crying. So I rush out to my car and just put my head against the steering wheel and cry like I've never cried before. I cried so loud that if someone were walking by my car, they would have heard me. I finally call my mom and explain the situation and ask if she'll go with me.

I check in at the ER and i'm admitted and in a room within 15min. Thankfully my Dr. called ahead of time and told them I was coming. Next thing I know, my sister shows up. So it's me, my mom, and sister, inside a cramped ER cubicle with all kinds of people coming in and out wanting information, insurance, signatures, bloodwork, etc. At one point, I was answering questions to a nurse, when another nurse comes up behind me and literally whips my shirt and bra off. HELLO?!?! I could have done that myself!

A little later, they gave me morphine which completely took the pain away. Unfortunately, I didn't like the way it made the rest of my body feel, but I was just thankful for the pain relief. Next they wheel me in for another ultrasound because the previous one never got transferred to the ER. (I loved this part when the medical bills started rolling in....)

When I get back to my room, my dad shows up. I was doing fine up until that point. I look at him and he's crying. Which of course makes me want to cry as well. Not to mention that my husband on the other side of the U.S. at this point. A lady comes in and says she needs more blood because she didn't take enough the last time. She gets so far as to put the needle in, and 2 other people rush in and say "You need to stop. They need her in surgery NOW" Which of course freaks all of us out, even the lady drawing my blood. So next thing I know, i'm being rushed down a hallway, into an elevator, and into a room on the 2nd floor where I meet the Dr performing the surgery and the anesthesiologist. They go over what they're going to do, and off I go! My surgery nurse Jason was really nice. We were making conversation and he told me his wife was 10 weeks pregnant. I could tell he was nervous about telling me, but I told him congratulations. So i'm laying on the table and the anesthesiologist puts an oxygen mask over my face and says "Sweet dreams. Think of the biggest, bluest ocean you can and picture yourself there." Instead, I remember thinking of Brandon hugging me, and then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room and could instantly remember everything that had happened. What was irritating was that I still had the breathing tube thing up my nose which kind of burnt when I breathed. I had sticky residue around my mouth, and found out it was from the tape that had held the breathing tube in my throat. The only other people in the room were two nurses. They came over to help cover me up and I remember saying "Excuse my legs. I've been in extreme pain the last few days, and the last thing on my mind was shaving" And one of the nurses said "Oh honey what are you talking about? It's winter, you should see my legs!" It felt pretty good to have something to smile about for once that day. Then the other lady tells me that I have a whole fan club waiting for me upstairs. I remember saying "Let me guess....2 parents, one sister, 2 grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and 2 cousins?" The lady laughed and said "Yeah pretty much!" I knew who was here because that's how my family is. We show up for everything with each other.

So they wheel me out of recovery and head to a private room on a different floor. Once I was in my room, my whole family comes in and starts filling me in on the surgery. My fallopian tube was actually larger than my uterus. The Dr. said that it was the worst ectopic rupture he'd ever seen. Most ectopic's rupture at around 8 weeks, so we think I was probably past 9 weeks. Plus I had massive scar tissue and adhesions throughout the area. The Dr. removed my right fallopian tube completely, and tried to salvage the left one. According to the operative report, the Dr. said it was "swollen and torturous" and not a normal tube. I had 3 incisions. One in my belly button, one on the left side of my stomach, and one about 6 inches below my belly button. I still have all 3 scars, but I don't mind. It helps me remember this experience and what I've made it through.

Around 1130pm they discharge me and I went to my parents house. I immediately call  Brandon who starts crying his eyes out and keeps saying that he did this to me and how it was all his fault. It took forever to calm him down. Then the next day, I'm about to fall asleep, and I hear a really familiar voice. I look up at my sister and said "Did I just hear who I think I did?" And then in walks Brandon. He arranged it with his job to come home the rest of the week to take care of me. I've never been so happy to see someone in my entire life.

So he took me home and pampered me like you wouldn't believe. I didn't have to reach for anything, do anything, dress myself, nothing. It was great. Well, except that I was in major pain the whole time. They gave me 800mg Ibuprofen, and percocet which helped but I hated the way it made me feel. I felt really heavy and dizzy and felt like I could fall over at any moment. And I was already laying down! I don't see how people get addicted to them. I really don't.

So that's my story. Emotionally, I'm ok. I guess it was a blessing that I didn't know about the pregnancy ahead of time. I didn't have the chance to bond. I try not to think about it, because regardless of how little or far along I was, I still lost a baby. A baby that I'd worked almost a year to have. And it was taken from me within hours. I know it's not the same as a mother who has a stillborn, or a long term miscarriage, but it was still a baby. My baby. And it's gone. R.I.P. Baby Cavitt 02/26/2013


There are 2 songs that come to mind whenever I think back on this event. One if fact was playing when I got in the car after finding out I needed to go to the E.R. Here's a sample of the lyrics that really hit home for me.

Held-Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling.
We're asking why this happens to us,
Who have died to live, it's unfair.
This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell,
We'd be held.


Blessings-Laura Story
What if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

Welcome To Our Journey!

The sole purpose of this blog is to discuss my struggles with infertility. My posts will range from past experiences, current struggles, informational pieces, vents, rants, and hopes for the future. 

My name is Ashlee Cavitt. My husband Brandon and I have been married for almost 3 years, together almost 7 years. We have full sole custody of my 13 year old stepson Donovan. We took custody 1 year ago.

We are currently trying to conceive our first child. We've been trying for about 26 months. We got lucky one time, but it was an ectopic pregnancy. 

For the last 6 months, we were under the impression we'd need to save money to undergo the IVF process. The reason being is that my right fallopian tube was removed due to the ectopic pregnancy, and my left tube was said to be "damaged and torturous".
However, I recently had laproscopic surgery to determine the structure of my tube, and it was found to be FINE!!! So now we are gearing up to explore different and cheaper methods to get pregnant.

Hope everyone that visits this page will be able to take away something from my stories and experiences. Feel free to comment on anything you'd like, or just read if you'd like. 

Stay tuned....